Diaries of a working mother: Changing the way I raise my boy
Episode (3):
I went to participate in a panel at a Women’s Leadership Forum a few months back. As always, the room was full of ladies, asking the usual questions about work-life balance, how to deal with guilt, the impact of pregnancy on career development, etc.
However, it was different this time, as a good number of male colleagues showed up and were listening attentively. Only one was brave enough to ask a question towards the end of the session: “Thank you, ladies, on the panel for sharing your stories, very inspiring indeed. My question to you is: I have a daughter, and I would like to know how I can raise her to become a leader?”
Another panelist addressed that question, and then the session was over.
"My question to you is: I have a daughter, and I would like to know how can I raise her to become a leader”
For an unknown reason, his question stayed with me. It haunted me for a while and made me think. I wasn't satisfied with the answer given. Most parents raise their girls in a way that builds their self-confidence and esteem. They educate them, watch them grow, encourage them to fulfill their dreams and become the best version of themselves. I don’t remember my parents telling my sisters or me that we can’t achieve anything simply because we were girls. On the contrary, I remember them cheering us on – all the way.
If they are to grow up the same way I grew up, boys and girls have an equal chance to become whatever they want to be in the future. Yet the majority of leadership positions are occupied by men, not women. Why?
It troubled me for a while, but with time I forgot about the whole thing. Or so I thought.
My elder son, who is seven years old, is a martial arts fighter. He participates in competitions now and then. And as any proud parent, I attend the fights. At this young age, boys and girls play against each other since gender is not yet a differentiator in terms of physical strength.
His turn came up, and he was up against a girl. I watched him fight and couldn’t but notice that he played differently; he was less aggressive and not as sharp as he usually is.
On the way back home, I asked him if he was okay. I wanted to know why he played the way he did. He just answered, “You know why mom, she is a girl, and I am not supposed to hit girls.”
At that moment, I remembered the forum, and I remembered the man who asked that question. My God, I knew the answer now!
It is not always about the way we raise girls, it also has a lot to do with the way we raise boys! How did I miss that!
This martial arts scenario happens in every venue of life, it takes different shapes and different forms, but it is still the same:
A woman may not get offered a promotion because the boss assumes she can’t take the pressure. She doesn’t get to lead a project because she is pregnant and would most probably be tired. She doesn’t take leadership roles because she is perceived to be “soft.” She does not get an equal share in training because people assume that she will leave work after her first baby, so the investment would be a complete waste of time. And many, many more examples of women getting overlooked because somebody assumes they can't take it.
It is not always about the way we raise girls, it also has a lot to do with the way we raise boys! How did I miss that!
So, this is what I told my seven-year-old:
"Son, if the girl chose to be a fighter, you have to respect her wish and fight back. Don’t try to make it easy for her, because this insults her intelligence. She is your equal, and if she wants to fight, you’d better be careful because she may knock your teeth out."
Please don’t get me wrong, I want to raise a gentleman that would never hurt a girl, but this is a different context where the girl chose to train and fight for sport, and this should be respected.
A boy who trusts a girl’s decision will grow into a man who understands and appreciates a woman’s wishes and aspirations. This creates a culture of respect.
He will see her as an equal, and this will create a culture of friendship and companionship.
On some occasions, he will see her as an opponent or a threat, and this will create healthy competition.
Mothers of boys, listen up! We have a chance to shape the future for the little girls of the next generation. It starts with us, in our homes, and in all the discussions we have – big or small.
Does your boy take his plate to the sink after finishing his food? Does he fold his clothes or put them in the laundry basket? Does he tidy up after creating a mess? Does he ask you how you feel after a long tiring day? Does he offer to help around even without being asked?
The reason for my success has to do with the great qualities that my parents planted in me, but the true enabler of my success is a great partner who has respected my career aspirations and helped me achieve them, not by words – but by actions and true support that allows me to focus on my work, having the comfort in the fact that the workload at home is equally shared.
I am grateful for the anonymous man who asked the question at the forum, he helped me look at things from a completely different perspective. My conversations with my two little boys took a different turn after that!
Another person I am grateful for is my mother-in-law. My husband’s attitude towards me is not a coincidence; it is her hard work and long-term investment that has paid off. Thank you, Aunty, for giving me the best gift every ambitious woman could ever wish for; a husband who appreciates and understands her. One who helps his wife become a better version of herself with every passing day.
