By: Farah, mother of one.

Young in love

As all freshmen do, I started university wide-eyed about all the endless possibilities. I was both excited and nervous about the classes I would take, the new friends I would make and the potential love interests that would come into my life. I was 19 years old when I met him. We went to the same university, and as we were both naïve with a thirst of wanting to understand the world, we became friends. A year later we became sweethearts. 

It wasn’t his looks or money or his social status that I fell in love with; I was too young and carefree to think about that. And to be honest, he possessed none of those things. I fell in love with his character, his kindness and the way he treated me. He was attentive and when I was with him, I felt like his princess and, more importantly, his best friend.

Fast-forward five years and we were married. Three years after we had a beautiful child. And the following year, well, we got divorced.

I was devastated. I felt nothing but numbness those first few weeks. All I wanted to do was cry but I held back my tears. I held them back for my one-year-old child. I held them back for my parents. I held them back for myself.

Crushing thoughts

Lying alone in bed at night, I would feel empty inside. But at the same time, I would feel more pain than I could describe. I would spend hours staring at the wall, contemplating the last ten years of my life. I would go to work and stare at my computer screen without being able to focus on a single word. My mind would race to try and figure out what had happened and where I went wrong. 

I will spare you the details of my divorce as it no longer matters. What does matter, however, is that it was over, and I felt like my life was over. I felt ashamed; I felt like I had disappointed my parents, my child and myself. I felt worthless. I blamed myself. I thought back to all the times I snapped at him when I was recovering from my C-section, sleep-deprived with a colicky newborn. I thought of the weight I gained during pregnancy, the unwashed dishes repeatedly left in the sink when I was too tired. And that I no longer felt as beautiful as I did before.

Day and night, those thoughts haunted me and I kept beating myself up about them all. I felt consumed by sorrow, loss and shame. I was a mess. As time went by, my career began to suffer and my health deteriorated, so I sought help. I am lucky to have had friends who continuously opened their hearts and tirelessly listened as I talked about my problems day in and day out. Once I finally opened up and cried, I realized that I'd begun my healing process.

Professional help

Next, I found an amazing life coach who helped me organise my thoughts. Together we identified and pinpointed all the self-destructive emotions and feelings I was having and worked on how to deal with them.

Honestly, in the few months leading up to my divorce, and the five months that followed, I let go of my pride; I had secretly initiated contact with my ex-husband, begging him to reconsider. I asked him to tell me what I had done wrong. I even apologized for everything. I told him I loved him and pleaded for him to take me back. But as it happens, he had other plans — if you know what I mean.

That's when I started to have clarity and realized that it wasn’t my fault. Am I perfect? No. But who is?

All I can say is that I never lied, cheated or disrespected him. I was loyal, I wanted to make things work and most of all, I was in love with him, but as they say “it takes two to tango."

Reality check

Life is not always picture-perfect. It is not the fairytale we are promised as kids. We are told to do well in school, graduate from university, fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. But, that’s not how it goes. Sure, many people live this fairytale life, and may their happiness last. However, many of us don’t live this life.

How many of us lead miserable married lives because we feel that we have no other choice? How many women are left widowed? How many of us are affected by sickness and wish to be healthy again? How many parents lose their children or their entire families? How many of us struggle to feed our children? How many of us pray, day and night, to have just one child, and how many of us have our hearts crushed watching our children become ill and struggling? How many of us endure struggles behind closed doors that the world has no idea about? These are the people around us. Yet, we are unable to relate until, God forbid, something similar happens to us.

This was the biggest eye-opener for me, and it wasn’t easy to realize: Happiness is not having a man by your side, it is about appreciating the blessings in your life, big and small, instead of dwelling on what you don’t have.

Divorce does not define who I am as a person, and it does not limit what I have to offer. I realize my worth. I am strong. I am valuable.

Who I really am 

Divorce does not define who I am as a person and it does not limit what I have to offer. I now realize my worth. I am strong. I am valuable. I am young and healthy. I am the mother of an amazing, healthy child. I have people in my life who love me as much as I love them. 

I wake up in the morning not needing anyone to help me out of bed. I have my entire life ahead of me and I have the power and blessing of choice. I decide what I want to do. I choose to trust people, I choose to be kind and not to be bitter. I smile in admiration at the sight of a couple in love. I wish people well, and this extends to my ex-husband too.

I choose to allow limitless contact between my child and her father, because he is the only father she will ever have, and I greet him with a smile when he comes to pick her up. I do this for the sake of my child and myself. I pray for the strength to keep choosing these things.

My advice for fellow single mothers

It was never my dream, nor is it the dream of any single mother, for life to turn out this way, but I believe that this is what God has chosen for me and I will embrace it with an open heart and mind, as we can plan all we want, but He is the best of planners. I don’t deny that I wish someone would come along one day and accompany me, but if this doesn’t happen then it’s not meant to be. 

Happiness must come from within. I learned to let go of what I cannot control, focus on the things I can and do my best to make the most of them. Life is a journey, and my advice to myself and all single mothers is to take pride in being strong enough to do this. You have endless potential so do believe in yourselves.

If you don’t have a career, it’s never too late to start doing what you love. Find your passion and pursue it. We may not be rich enough to buy our kids the latest toys and fulfill their every whim, but we have hearts of gold in which they can relish and grow. This is what they will remember when they grow up. It is our responsibility to raise children who take pride in their strong, happy mothers.

I won’t lie, it is hard and I still have my bad days but I have learned to allow myself to have them because, after all, this life we have been blessed with is a journey to remember.