I remember my first time on a roller coaster. Not one of those cute Disney themed roller coasters that move at a numbingly slow speed and play "it's a small world after all”, but the real deal kind of roller coaster.

The one that bolts you so hard into your seat your chest hurts. Those rides usually start real slow; you get your ticket, stand in line, take your seat and start moving.

The uphill phase of the ride is calm, relaxing and just majestic in its own way.

Then, you come to a sudden halt and you take a deep breath, awaiting the plunge. After a short pause, the wildest and most exciting part of your ride begins. This is what you came for.
 

Waiting to get on the roller coaster: April 2019 - A couple of weeks before my due date

I swear if another person asks me why I haven't "popped" yet I will scream.

Why is sleeping becoming such a challenge? Maybe propping my body with eight pillows instead of seven will do the trick. Wait, baby girl is blissfully breakdancing on my bladder, again.

What do you mean my placenta is "calcified"? Is my baby all right? IT'S TIME!
 

The pause before the plunge- April 20th 2019

As sedated as I was that day, the videos taken by my friends at the hospital revealed that the first words I said when my beautiful Jumana was wheeled into my recovery room were "Oh my God! She’s wrapped up like a little burrito!"

I slurred these words and am still amazed that the nurses thought it was a good idea to hand her to me.

Everything was so tiny and cute. I felt this gush of emotions that I have never experienced before.

I just wanted to hold her so close and never let go. I wanted to breathe her in for as long as possible.

As she drifted off on my dear husband's chest into an exhausted rest from her very tough journey, I stared at her right there, feeling so safe in his sweet warm embrace.

Intense excitement and joy subdued me as well as intense fear. Like any new mother, I was afraid of not knowing what to do.

But hey, no need to worry, I read around four different books about parenting so I'm sure I'll know what to do if I go back to my notes and that baby girl will respond in the exact same manner the baby in the book did, right? Um. Nope

The dip downhill – First 4 months of my journey

Why did I skip the chapter in the book about colicky babies? I don't know what day of the week it is anymore. What does “drowsy but awake” mean anyway?

I have yet to see these mythical creatures that are put down in their crib drowsy and actually drift off into sweet peaceful slumber. What is sleep? 

I remember I was constantly feeling like I was not doing what I should be doing, and that I was not being the mother my adorable helpless little baby needed.

I looked at other moms who seemed to have it all together and wondered what was wrong with me and why I was failing to recover, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

This photo shopped and excessively filtered image of motherhood you see on social media is but a fraction of the journey these mothers are taking.

I had all the support a new mom could ask for and much more, yet I felt so unable. Sleep deprivation is no joke, and it does take a toll on you.

I could not sleep even when baby girl was being watched and taken care of. It’s like my body forgot how to sleep because I constantly felt guilty if I rested.

This was my lowest point. Then one day, she looked deep into my eyes and smiled reassuringly, as if to tell me “ It’s ok mama, you’ve got this” and all that was consuming me dissolved, just like that.

Uphill we go

My experience during my first year of motherhood is mine, and mine alone.

The long nights are mine; the beautiful first smiles and giggles are mine, the stress, the tears, and the smiles and sheer joy, all mine.  

Expectations of what kind of mother you should be will always haunt you.

But dear new mama, you have a magical maternal instinct and it is raw and beautiful and grounding no matter what choices your heart tells you to make.

Everyday will come with its own challenges but the blessings within these challenges are far more valuable and long lasting.

If you are expecting your first, or are anxious about your second or third baby coming along, relax. Everything may seem unknown now and that is ok.

Most of what goes on during the first year of motherhood is beyond your control and that is alright. You will deal with the challenges as they come.

A predictable life is a boring life anyway! So here I am, 14 months post delivery, watching my beautiful girl utter her first word, which was NOT mama by the way, I know, devastating!

I have to admit though; I never knew the word duck would be so melodious and make me so happy.

I have learned to let go of what I expected my journey to be like and enjoy every bit of my real journey.

Every challenge and hardship I have faced during this incredible re-birth of myself as a person the past year has just given me more strength and appreciation towards myself as a mother, a woman and a human being.

This morning, after a long night struggling to get my precious baby to sleep through the night, I looked at her and she smiled at me as she reached her gorgeous little arms out for me; Not caring how puffy my eyes are, not caring how pale or tired I look.

That moment right there, was more than enough to silence any doubt I had about being a good enough mother for my child.

So I will stay in my seat on this ride as long as I possibly can, and I will revel in every single dip and every blissful rise.