Diaries

My journey with conceiving: How my husband and I reconnected

August 25 , 2019
Decoding hope
A science fueled individual overpowered by the left side of the brain except where my right side takes over and writes this series!...More

Grief in the dictionary is defined as intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death. Losing hope for me qualifies as a grim death. 

There are five stages of grief: denial, pain, anger, depression and finally acceptance. when my husband and I first started our IVF journey we made the conscious decision that this will not break us.

We had been married for one year at the time but had been in our committed relationship for 9 years (yes we were high school sweathearts), we knew or thought we knew that it was going to be difficult and challenging, but little did we know the heartbreak we would unfortunately experience.

After 11 round of IVF, one chemical pregnancy and one miscarriage, my husband and I ended up being at different stages of grief, this literally changed our whole dynamic, it created a huge wedge between us, I will not sugarcoat anything but I will say that things got tough, the only support system I had was temporarily gone and I felt completely lost! 

I would confide in my close circle but no matter how hard they tried they would never understand what it means, only he can, After all he was the one by my side at every Drs. appointment, blood test and heartbreaking phone call.

Something had to be done because the road ahead was looking very bleak, to be honest I don’t know what the trick was, I wish I had the magic answer, but it did take a decision, a decision that our relationship was number one, for both of us, no one or nothing else mattered, we learned to retake decisions together and that is what we did, we decided to travel.

Whenever we traveled alone we automatically had our connection back, but this time we decided to venture out of our comfort zones and into what seemed as the unknown tours at the time

We had researched an IVF clinic in London and have been debating it for a while, we heard about the “miracle Dr.” handling the clinic and decided to give it a go, we packed our bags and took the leap, the fact that we took control of our lives united as a strong front gave us our mojo back.

We now feel stronger than ever; I am currently writing this article while gobbling up my 4 liters of water a day strict regimen at the cutest little garden next to our small London flat.

This experience has been the hardest to date, but in some strange way it feels like the easiest, my faith is stronger, my heart is beating harder and my support system is there to stay

Of course, It took and is still taking some serious self-reflection and working with a great psychologist to work things through. Now when I think about it, it’s normal to be at different levels and it’s not because we are not connected any more, it’s simply because we are different human beings 

You can’t compare the way you deal with a loss with anyone else in the world, not even your spouse, you can only appreciate what the other is going through but that’s about it, I am learning  the hard way that you can’t force an emotional reaction whether it be positive or negative on anyone else 

The only thing that you can do is just be there for each other, never forget to be each other’s support system, each other’s rock.

Somedays you might find yourself falling down a rabbit hole, You are left replaying a bad soundtrack of gut wrenching questions, trust me when I tell you that you are not alone, seeking help from your partner will make you both stronger, they say that the smartest way to get someone become closer to you is to ask them for help, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable as long as you are open for help when offered. Love will always be the answer to inner peace, love yourself, your partner and know that after every storm, there is a rainbow